countdown to the superbowl: 1 day

one more day. the superbowl is tomorrow! woot woot! today's steeler of the day is my favorite football player of all time, mr. hines ward. one writer says he is the epitome of a football player, another suggests that he might be a master of cheap hits. for a little video tribute, click here.

countdown to the superbowl: 2 days

only 2 more days until the big dance. i'm sure they'll be a right offensive tackle trying to dance with today's player of the day, james harrison. for a great piece about how deebo has overcome many obstacles to be where he is today, check out the ny times article here.

laborer, craftsman, artist

a friend passed this quote on to me yesterday via email, and it really resonated with me, in terms of what i've been thinking about as i've shoveled concrete and mortar and moved cinderblock.

"A man who works with his hands is a laborer;

a man who works with his hands and his mind is a craftsman;

but a man who works with his hands and his brain and his heart is an artist. "
St. Thomas Aquinas

grace and peace,

greg.

countdown to the superbowl: 3 days

only three more days. today's steelers star is big ben roethlisberger. click here for an interesting article about how both ben and cardinal's quarterback kurt warner are men of faith. does God care about sports?

just checking in from honduras

it is early wedesday morning, and there's not much to say this morning other than my body is letting me know that its not used to this. i'm having a great time and am really enjoying building relationships with the people on the team and the hondurans that we have the priviledge to work with, like these guys, augusto and william. hasta luego!

countdown to the superbowl: 4 days

four more. today is troy polamalu. the flowin' somoan. the long-haired safety is all over the field. early in his career when a sportcaster mispronounced his last name, a pittsburgh band decided to do a clever song about it. funny stuff. check it out here. or for his great nike commercial, click here.

countdown to the superbowl: 5 days

the countdown has made it to one hand. 5 little piggies left. c'mon piggies, get movin'. today's player of the day is willie parker, aka fast willie parker. while he isn't the bruising back that the bus was, face it, the man is fast. real fast. to read the legend of willie parker (and its really a great story), click here.

terrible towel in honduras

hi all. just wanted you to know that i'm still doing well, although a bit tired tonight. its only monday and i can't even wait for the superbowl. i've been wearing a different steelers shirt everyday, and i took my terrible towel with me to the worksite. so here is my terrible towel traveling picture. if you want to read about the details of the trip, you can read them here.

countdown to the superbowl: 6 days

tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...six more days. today's feature is on santonio holmes, the ohio state product who has become quite the threat for the steelers as a quick receiver and punt returner. every night i fall asleep imagining that i am a wide reciever for the steelers. and just before i surrender to the night of sleep, i make a diving catch in the end zone. to see santonio making that exact catch, click here.

happy 4th birthday, jack!

this morning, while i sit under the egg-blue sky of honduras, serenaded by birds in a different tongue, i am thinking only of the fact that it is my son's 4th birthday today. while i had the chance to celebrate with him last week, i am certainly feeling a bit of father's guilt this morning at not being with him on his day. time is flying, you know. its like my dad told me last week, "you know greg, he's now a quarter of the way to getting his driver's license." so, i'm trying to enjoy each moment as it comes to me. i'm trying to cherish the soft curve of his little calf, and his tiny little toenails. i'm trying to cherish the warmth of his hand when we cross the street and the joy in his face when i get in his bed with him to read some bedtime stories. i'm trying to lock pictures and feelings in my mind of the way he dances, the way he tries to rhyme words, and the way he sometimes comes and cuddles up with me on the couch and says, "daddy, i love you."

and so, happy birthday, jack. sorry i can't be there today. i hope you are having fun with mommy and being really good for her. i hope you know that i love you so much and am crazy proud of you. i am missing you while i am away and when i think of you my heart feels so big and full with your love. remember this picture of us playing in the snow? that was a fun day! i know we will have many more days to play and grow together. thanks for being you. i love you, daddy.

countdown to the superbowl: 7 days

one week from today that steelers will be in the big dance. the bowl that is super. the pinnacle event of their profession. if ever a week will feel like a year, it will be this week. 7 days away, today's player is lamarr woodley, the young outside linebacker for the steelers. click here to see lamarr literally run over a would-be blocker and eat a quarterback for a snack. as the t-shirt says: guns don't kill people; lamarr woodley kills people.

countdown to the super bowl: 8 days

8 more days, now. a week and change. today's player is heath miller, the tough pass-catching tight end for the steelers. click here for a short video of miller catching a touchdown pass in the playoffs this year. its only a few seconds long, and isn't the best quality, but it will give you a sense of the energy in heinz field.

off to honduras

tomorrow i leave for honduras. that's right. tomorrow. honduras. for a week. many of you probably didn't know that, but its true. i leave bright and early tomorrow morning with a dozen or so folks from my church, and we'll be in honduras for a week helping out an institution down there called the lamb institute. its going to be a great week of sharing hope and joy with whoever we meet, and probably learning a great deal about contentment and real happiness from the same. i look forward to working with my hands, enjoying the weather, meeting up with eric, enjoying some honduran food, and building some deeper relationships with the people i'm traveling with. but there is one little thing....

when i signed up to go on this trip, i looked at my calendar and saw that it was relatively clear, and that was that. it wasn't until later that it occured to me that the trip was right around playoff/superbowl time (i know, i know. you thought i was a better fan than that...). as soon as i realized this potential crisis, i immediately checked the nfl schedule and realized that i wouldn't be missing any game action, as i return the day before the superbowl. i was instantly relieved and back on speaking terms with God.

i'm not sure that i'll have much internet access while i am there. i have set up a blog for our team to be able to share our stories/pictures with anyone who would like to read/see them, so you can go here if you want to see how our trip is going. i have also pre-posted the rest of the superbowl countdown, so you can countdown to the big game by checking back here each day.

keep me and our whole team in your prayers. for safety. for endurance. and, particularly for me, for going a whole week without much steelers coverage. :) have a great week, and i'll catch you later.

greg.

countdown to the super bowl: 9 days

9 more days. today's featured player is inside linebacker james farrior, number 51. click here to read a great story contrasting the quiet captain of the steelers defense with the perpetually annoying ray lewis of the baltimore purple browns.

countdown to the super bowl: 10 days

10 long excruciating days remain until the big game. as they days crawl by, we'll be counting them here at agentorangerecords. each day we'll feature a picture of a key steelers player, and link to a story about them.

today we begin with clutch kicker jeff reed. click here to read a story about the colorful character who is money when it comes to big time kicks.

an open letter to coach tomlin

dear coach tomlin,

i've been meaning to write this letter for some time, and now seems like the right moment to stop putting it off and make it happen. ironically, its a letter i've been meaning to write, but ultimately one that you inspired. leave it to you, coach, to surprise me.

it seems you've been surprising me all along. in fact, the first time i ever heard your name it was a surprise. the every-twenty-minute-update on the sports talk radio show that i listen to in the car blared through my automobile speakers: the steelers have interviewed mike tomlin for their head coaching vacancy... mike who? i was surprised. this job has got to go to whis or grimm, right? i remembered the rooney rule and thought that this was just a token. but then, much to my surprise (again), those very same car speakers delivered another message to me: the pittsburgh steelers will name mike tomlin as their new head coach. i think i nearly veered off the parkway in complete shock.

but you know, i tend to be a glass-half-full fan and i trust the rooney's decision making, so i went into this thing giving you the benefit of the doubt. still, i didn't have high expectations. there was a long list of reasons why i knew that this coaching change meant that it would be several years before we would be dominant again in the afc: first year head coach, new offensive coordinator/system, and resistance from some key players, to name a few. and you know what? you surprised me. again. not only did you succeed, but the team had the number one defense in the league and won the division.

of course, the steelers lost that first playoff game and i was disappointed. but disappointment was certainly not the key word of the 2007 season for me. a better word, to be frank with you, would be impressed. i was impressed. with a number of things, actually, but most of all with you, coach tomlin. time and time again when i would read the transcript of your post game press conferences or hear your soundbytes on espn, i would be thoroughly impressed by you. by your demeanor. by your lack of making excuses. by your mastery not only of football-ese, but just of english in general. by your ability to pull the team together. by your instincts. by your game planning. by the way you managed to step into a new coach's nightmare (replacing bill cowher, who replaced chuck noll) and completely earn respect and admiration. you surprised me, coach tomlin. you surprised me.

2008 was the beginning of your second year, and i was ready for you now. i wasn't going to be surprised by you. when casey hampton showed up to camp out of shape, i wasn't surprised that you made an example of him to serve notice to all the players. when players began falling to injury, i wasn't surprised by your stubborn refrain that injuries are no excuse and that someone else will step up. when willie parker complained that the offensive game plans didn't include enough runs, i wasn't surprised at the way you handled it with precision and grace, calling willie out while still showing confidence in him. i wasn't surprised. but when we found a way to win the division again, win against the chargers in the divisional round of the playoffs, and then beat the baltimore raisins for the third time in one season to win a ticket to the superbowl, in spite of all the injuries and adversity? dang it, coach. i was surprised.

and then you stood there, holding that stupid tease of a trophy, but holding it with pride nonetheless because you won it at home against that team of all teams, and you pointed to the throngs of black and gold clad steeler nation - you pointed to me and my family - and you said with your trademark authority and confidence, "i absolutely love you guys." and, i hate to admit it, coach, but i was surprised. i hadn't expected that. here i was, preparing to write you a letter to tell you that i love you, and you beat me to it.

and so i've been surprised by you. but no longer. now i know. i know what to expect. i know to expect confidence and integrity. i know to expect honesty and passion and charsima. i know to expect hard work, physical football, and determined perseverence. i know to expect level headed remarks, extended seasons, and reciprocated love. i will no longer be suprised by you, coach tomlin. instead, i will be content to be impressed.

greg.

ps. i absolutely love you, too.

jack's 4th birthday, part 1

we celebrated part 1 of jackson's 4th birthday this weekend. since we have grandparents coming from different places and at different times, we often have to split it into 2 separate celebrations. so this weekend my mom and dad and sister were in town and we had the chance to celebrate with jack, who had wanted a shark cake, as you can see. shannon is amazing with this stuff, and i just had to share with the all of you her creativity and ability to make something out of whatever she's working with. i love that gift that she has. the coolest part is that the bottom part of the cake (the ocean) was just some regular confetti cake or something, but the cake inside the shark was blood red. it was awesome.

jack had a great birthday party, and enjoyed his gifts and his cake very much. his real birthday is this coming weekend and i simply cannot believe that he is going to be 4. my dad put it this way: he is 1/4 of the way to driving. wow. when he said that i had to excuse myself to the bathroom for a few minutes. so i'm enjoying this moments while they last!...

inauguration day

a conversation in our house last night that demonstrates my own failures in parenting:

shannon: jack, do you know who is going to be the new president tomorrow?

jack: i don't know.

shannon: yeah, we are getting a new president tomorrow. do you remember his name?

jack: polamalu?

third time's a charm

well it is monday at 2pm (thank goodness today is a holiday), and i have finally calmed down enough to gather a few thoughts for this space. the main thing that i'd really like to say is THE STEELERS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!!!!! sorry about the all caps. that's unusual for me, but i just can't help it right now. i am so excited. some thoughts about the game:

-hines got hurt. he says its just a sprain and that he will be fine in two weeks. but for this hines ward fan it was hard to see. still though, he was able to reach 1,000 recieving yards in the playoffs and pick up a couple of key first downs. and he was able to channel his inner blocking beast to limas sweed who lit up corey ivy. get better, hines. we're going to need you.

-phil simms is a steeler hater. at one point when the ravens were losing 13-7 he said the following, and i quote: the ravens have the steelers right where they want them. really, simms? really? the ravens want to be losing 13-7? i had very little respect for mr. simms to begin with, but i must lost what i had. its not professional to let your disdain for a team show in your call of the game. terrible job by him.

-ben roethlisberger was awesome. he threw some beautiful deep balls, avoided some sacks, threw some balls away, made plays out of nothing (like a beautiful touchdown to santonio), kept his head when things were going wrong (like sweed's ridiculous drop), and, most importantly, didn't turn the ball over. ben should be mvp of the game, really, if it weren't for one other player...

-troy polamalu was insane. i had been so worried about him going into the game because of his calf injury and the fact that he had looked so slow against san diego last week. but he was off the charts. his leap over the line on the flacco sweep was the stuff of legend, if not of leverage. his open field tackle on flacco's scramble was art, and his interception/touchdown was the nail in the coffin. after a week of listening to the media endlessly vomit their praise of ravens safety ed reed, saying he's the best safety in the league, possibly of all time, it was so nice to see troy, who barely ever talks at all, show up and demonstrate who was the best safety on the field last night. and speaking of hearing people vomit...

--ahhh ray lewis, you son of a gun, you. all week i had to listen to you talk and watch your girations and try to ignore that murderous guilt in your eye. all week i had to listen to media guys in neckties stumble all over themselves trying to call you 'sugar' and talk about what an emotional leader you are and how you couldn't possibly let your team lose to the steelers for the third time. i had to listen to you say how you shouldn't have lost to the steelers the previous two times and that your team was the only reason you lost. but nevermore. i need you to stop talking for awhile. i don't want to hear you complaining or cheering. i don't want to see you at the probowl smiling. or crying. or praying. or networking for your future job with the nfl network. i don't want to see you at all. i want you to go away and nurse your wounds. i want you to sit in front of your tv and watch highlights of lamar woodley sacking joe flacco. i want you to hear the word "steelers" about 52,000 times over the next two weeks. oh, and one more thing: i want you to learn something from the game you just got beat in. one of your teammates got laid out on a very brutal hit. and you know what, the steelers didn't celebrate it. they didn't dance and shake their bodies in a possessed passion. you won't hear them saying that it was their favorite moment of the season, like what you said about hurting some players this year. i want you to learn something from the steelers: its called class.

now i'm done with that. i don't know what the superbowl will be like, and of course it will suck if the steelers lose, but i'm not sure what could be sweeter than beating the ravens three times in one season! wow. it feels amazing, and i just want to enjoy this. GO STEELERS!

my afc championship game prediction

i know, i know...some of you are saying, "another steelers post? geesh." but you're going to have to deal with it for at least one more day, and, if all goes well, another 15 days.

actually, i've been wavering quite a bit this week about whether or not the steelers would be able to pull off the victory. i am a nervous steelers fan - i always have been - and i tend to err on the side of low expectations so that i won't be too disappointed (because i seriously get WAY too into this). and so one day this week i would be feeling a steeler victory and then the next minute i'd read something about the ravens defense or flacco's cool-under-pressure persona, and i'd begin to doubt again. its been that kind of week.

but here we are on sunday and i've finally landed on the side of the steelers. i believe the steelers win 24-16. here's why:
-the game is at heinz field
-the steelers are more experienced at this
-the steelers don't want to lose another home afc championship game
-the ravens are too beat up
-flacco will make a rookie mistake
-the ravens will lose their cool and get some stupid penalties
-the terrible towel is still mad about what the titans did
(and this last one is a big one and enough reason by itself to predict a steeler victory)
-at some point during the game the people who run the jumbotron will play this video (which they play at every game) and the crowd will almost crap their pants in excitement and the frenzy will spread to the defense who will then do something mere mortals only dream of. and the steelers will win.


how's that for reasoned football analysis? yeah, sorry about that. i'm a steelers homer. and while i'm not always the most confident guy, i have a good feeling about today...

28 and a half hours

twenty eight and a half hours until kickoff. time is excruciatingly slow right now. but if you want something to munch on until gametime, try these:

the gambler

want to read a funny story about an awkward moment that's probably never that far away from any of us? check this out. warning: you will laugh. i'm thinking they should make a romantic comedy out of this. could be called "love stinks." any other suggestions?

the shack

i wrote a couple of days ago about shaq, and here i find myself writing about a different kind of shack. i finished the very popular novel this week, and just thought i would offer my two cents on it, although the world probably doesn't need my two cents as this book has been the center of a great deal of discussion and even controversey. still, just for kicks and grins, and for my own ability to process, i thought i'd give a few reactions.

****spoiler alert: i am making no attempt here to guard the plot in any way, so if you plan on reading the book at some point and don't want to know yet what happens, i would recommend that you not read this.

i wasn't exactly sure what to expect as i began reading the shack, having heard so much hype about it, but what i soon discovered was a captivating story about a man and his pain, after losing his young daughter to a kidnapping and murder. in the places where this book was a story about a man and a family working through their grief, struggling to understand God's role in all of it, and finding ways to make sense of it all, i was deeply moved and couldn't turn the pages fast enough. however, this was not the only aspect of the novel.

mack, the man who has lost his daughter, receives a strange note from "papa," which strangely enough is the name his faith-filled wife uses for God. this note triggers a whole series of events which result in mack literally spending a weekend with God, who is represented in three separate individuals (as in the trinity). this is still story, and compellingly so, but where the book begins to lose a little momentum and some of its vitality, in my opinion, is where it begins to transform into a theology textbook embedded in long sections of dialogue between mack and God. as a reader who was really into the story of this family's journey, i was disappointed by these didactic dead ends, and the somewhat awkward theological prose. in the end, the story returns to center stage, but a great deal of momentum has been lost on the way.

now, as for the theology itself, i have no particular problem with it. again, i was reading the book as a novel, not as a textbook, so i'm sure if i read it differently i might take issue with a few things, but in general, i feel that my theology lines up rather well with the one this book espouses. many have argued that what is presented here is postmodern theology. or process theology. or cheap grace (bonhoeffer). or panentheism. or universalism. and so on and so on, and while it may contain bits and pieces to a lesser or greater degree of all of these, it is basically a theology of relationship, which i strongly resonate with. at the very least (and this is the one part of all the theology stuff that i really loved), it is a theology that isn't afraid to deal with the very difficult and painful parts of life. it is a theology that doesn't always give reasoned answers but is content at times to live with questions.

i've read in various places that this book will fundamentally inspire your relationship with God, challenging you to think differently about your preconceptions of God's character. i've also read that this book is like a wolf in sheep's clothing and that it is a false witness which comes in christ's name and will only serve to separate you from God. for me, i feel that, insofar as it is a story that chronicles one family's journey from despair to hope through the intense pain of loss, it serves as a powerful reminder of God's love for each of us along the way. insofar as it is a treatise on theology, while it may fall quite a bit short, i think it may very well help many folks understand a God who loves them deeply even in the midst of their own pain and guilt and despair. and that, by any account, can only be a good thing.

dead bird

i've literally had at least 4 people email this to me, so i figured i should put it up here. looks like the poor little rat bird got ran over by a steelersmobile headed for tampa. let's hope that the game resembles this picture closely.

under their skin

guess who is the most hated man in baltimore?

vich

hey friends....

sorry i've been a bit absent. there's a few reasons for that which you probably don't really care to know, so i'll spare you. i want to write soon about the book i just finished, but in the meantime, as an american with croatian heritage, a man who carries with me a "-vich" at the end of my last name everywhere i go, i thought this was funny.

i saw this story on espn and then found it here. apparently, the great shaquille o'neal, star of the nba, wants to be a -vich (or -vic), too. he wants his new nickname to be shaqovic. c'mon, shaq. you can't be croatian or any other slavic ethnicity, because your last name is clearly irish. geesh. everyone's on the bandwagonovich.

just as a fun footnote to this, when i was a child, since it was a bit difficult to say 'grandma milinovich,' i referred to my dad's mom as 'grandma vich.' for the rest of my life that's what i've called her and how i've known her. so hearing this from shaq makes me smile and think of grandma vich, whom i miss now that she's returned to the ultimate homeland. you hear that, grandma? even the basketball stars want to be vich's now! hope you're chuckling.

wow!

the pittsburgh steelers are going to the afc championship game. there is much you could read/listen to/watch to gather information about their big win yesterday over the san diego chargers, and i really can't possibly have much to add to all the noise, but i thought i would post some of my favorite pictures from the game.

these two pictures are from santonio holmes' punt return for a td, which was cause for a sigh of relief from me and steeler fans around the world. it tied the game up at 7-7, and sort of reset the game. it was a nice run by santy with a quick move and a beautiful leap over a weak tackle attempt by a san diego charger.

ben, coming off his concussion, was the subject of so much doubt and naysaying by steeler nation. i'm so tired of the haters. would you please just sit down and be quiet now? please? ben is a top notch quarterback and a fearless leader. there is no way - NO WAY - that you don't want this guy leading your football team. great game by him, with no turnovers, good decision making and some sweet passes,

particularly one to hines ward right before halftime. ward (my favorite player) had a nice game, too, with 70 recieving yards. i love me some smilin' hines in the playoffs!

had to include a pic of coach tomlin here because the game, imo, was very well run by the coaching staff. great play calling. nice adjustments. nice risk taking. just very good all around. congrats to coach tomlin on his first playoff win. how about a couple of more before the year is over, coach?

this just might be my favorite picture from the game because it epitomizes the third quarter in which the chargers ran one offensive play and had the ball for a grand total of 17 seconds. 17 seconds out of 15 minutes! that is crazy. philip rivers could only stand there and watch the game like a ticket-buying football fan. that is crazy good play by the offense, opportunistic defense (on that one play the chargers had) and a little luck (on the punt that hit weddle in the helmet).

great game by willie who ran with authority and charisma and determination, and in so doing served notice that he is healthy and ready to run. this will only help us when we face the strong ravens defense next week. i almost want to give the game ball to willie for his 146 yards, but instead i give it to

the offensive line. generally considered to be the weak link of our team all year, they showed up against the chargers and played very well. the run blocking was great, giving willie some wiggle room, and the pass protection was very nice as ben was only sacked once and had plenty of time to look at various reads and throw deep several times. a great game by the guys up front, and if they play that well the next couple of weeks, the steelers should be getting their other thumbs measured for ring sizes.

here we go steelers, here we go!

steelers sugar

this is how much my wife loves me. steelers cupcakes, baby. i am a blessed man.

fan is short for fanatic

with the steelers upcoming playoff game, i thought i would share with you some of my fanaticism. some of you have seen this side of me, but many of you have not, so i thought it would be a way to literally let you into my home, and into my steelers passion. it is about 5 minutes long, but the soundtrack, in my humble opinion, makes it worth it. enjoy. and don't shake your head in disgust too much. go stillers!

a new song

"a new song"

multimedia collage on hardback book board

gregory a. milinovich

in reading luci shaw's breath for the bones, i came across this quote from eugene peterson, and i really love it:

there's a long tradition in the Christian life, most developed in eastern orthodoxy, of honoring beauty as a witness to God and a call to prayer. Beauty is never only what our senses report to us but always also a sign of what's just beyond our senses--an innerness and depth. there's more to beauty than we can account for empirically. in that more and beyond, we discern God. artists who wake up our jaded senses and help us attend to these matters are gospel evangelists.

i have always thought of beauty as a call to prayer, not so much in an theologically descriptive way, but in a real pragmatic way: when i see or hear or smell or discover something beautiful, i am immediately drawn to the Creator. beauty moves me. and, as one who plays with paper in ways that surprise me and sometimes others, i want to be that kind of gospel evangelist that peterson is talking about. i want my juxtapositions to 'wake up our jaded senses' and move us to singing a new song. i am certain now, more than ever, that it is part of my calling to keep gluing. to keep juxtaposing. to keep cutting and pasting. if for no one else than at least for me: to attend to these matters, to point to a truth beyond the "paper" of life, and to demonstrate redemption by finding new life for old bits of refuse, these are part of my experience of God. this is the good news i have to share, and one of my favorite ways to share it.

snow day?

we're supposed to get snow here today. here's hoping for a snow day! i love snow days!

dpoy

congratulations, james harrison. you've just won the defensive player of the year award in the national football league. now go out there for three more games and show them why they voted for you, you beast.

2008 in review

it's kinda long, but if you want to read a very funny year-end review of 2008, check this out.

or if you are more visual than verbal, check out this year in pictures...beautiful and haunting at times.

or, if you'd like to see the top 50 websites of 2008, navigate over here.

you can also see the top ten new year's resolutions.

maybe you're more interested in what was invented in 2008. you'll want to see this.

you can also check out you tube's top videos of the year.

in my searching i even found a top ten list of top ten lists. now i'm getting confused.

this just in: start working on your top ten things of 2009 right now. here's my top ten for 2009 so far (subject to change):

10. eating deviled eggs.

9. watching alabama lose the sugar bowl.

8. cuddling with my son.

7. talking about pacemakers with shannon's uncle.

6. cleaning up bits off wrapping paper.

5. writing about candy canes.

4. trying to figure out what those "G" commercials were for.

3. watching my wife devour the twilight series. she is unhealthily obsessed.

2. researching this post.

1. the dream i had last night about the steelers winning the superbowl.

okay, so it hasn't been an eventful year so far. but i'm hoping that there are lots of tops for the coming year. and that i pay attention to them. you should, too.

conspiracy #4

further evidence that the world is bound and determined to frustrate me into submission: the candy cane. well, not the candy cane itself so much as its confounding wrapper. that's right, i believe that the candy cane industry is out to get me.

think about it. why a cane, do you think? couldn't it just as easily be a candy stick? i mean, you could fancy up the name a bit: a candy log? a candy finger? a candy stem? a candy baton? candy barber poles? even a candy club would be better because it would be straight. that little shepherd's crook curve is the bane of my christmas snacking existence. it is the weapon of mass frustration used indiscriminately by the candy cane industry who, in my humble opinion, is made up by the dregs of society. these are people and corporations who continue to trick the world into buying curved candy when straight candy would do just fine. why is the curve such a problem, you ask? it's simple: the wrapper.

have you ever removed a candy cane from its wrapper? have you ever really tried this? if so, then you realize with me that it is an exercise in futility. there is only one sure way to avoid eating a mouthful of carcinagenic plastic: break the candy hook into tiny bits and pieces.

memo to the makers of candy canes: some of us like eating our twisted confectionary treats in one solid unbroken unmolested piece. please stop selling us candy that we must break in order to eat. this is not acceptable. and i don't want to hear you complain, either. don't go asking the government for some bailout becuase you can't afford to make straight candy canes in these distressing economic times. its got to be cheaper to make straight walking sticks than curved shepherd's crooks. oh, and one more thing: i'm watching you. i've had a feeling for a long time that you've got hidden cameras installed on your candy canes, and that all of you are back in your headquarters laughing hysterically while i try with futility to remove the insanely tight plastic wrapping without breaking the unreasonably brittle cane. i mean it, o crooked candy makers, i have written my better business bureau and they have assured me that they are monitoring the situation closely. so be careful. put a little slack in that wrapper, so that species with opposing thumbs can remove the wrapper without breaking the striped symbol of peace and peppermint. this is my last warning.