the unlikely orange

further evidence that the world is bound and determined to frustrate me into submission: the candy cane. well, not the candy cane itself so much as its confounding wrapper. that's right, i believe that the candy cane industry is out to get me. think about it. why a cane, do you think? couldn't it just as easily be a candy stick? i mean, you could fancy up the name a bit: a candy log? a candy finger? a candy stem? a candy baton? candy barber poles? even a candy club would be better because it would be straight. that little shepherd's crook curve is the bane of my christmas snacking existence. it is the weapon of mass frustration used indiscriminately by the candy cane industry who, in my humble opinion, is made up by the dregs of society. these are people and corporations who continue to trick the world into buying curved candy when straight candy would do just fine. why is the curve such a problem, you ask? it's simple: the wrapper. have you ever remov...

so i'm sitting in the waiting room at the toyota dealership. no, i'm not buying a new car. i'm here for an oil change. i know, we are one of those crazy types who have all of our car maintenance done by the dealership. yes, i'm sure it is more expensive, but i have also learned to convince myself that they somehow take better care of my car than the guys down at george's garage. maybe its the nice and shiny factory parts. maybe its the free coffee in the waiting room. maybe its the way i get to walk through the showroom on my way to the coffee, and be reminded by all the nice new cars that the investment i made 24 months ago has very quickly depreciated. ahh yes, nothing like a little financial anxiety to go with your oil change and instant cappuccino. but i'm not the only one. i mean, there are others who also opt for this ridiulous mode of torture, but they all appear to be over the age of 73. and they love free coffee. despite my affinity for talki...

i wrote recently that i have discovered that i am the holder of several consipiracy theories. this was hidden from me until the last couple of months. i guess i am becoming more self aware. as you may have read, our son caedmon recently had a minor "routine" surgery to put some tubes into his ear canal to allow fluid to drain into his sinuses, since he was living with almost constant ear infections that antibiotics were not touching. at least that's what we were told . i mean, the kid cried alot. but that's what kids do, right? they cry. so he cried alot. we have nothing better to do than to sit around and wonder, "hmm, i wonder why this kid is crying so much." and it never occurs to us that he is crying because he feels like it, or that millions of children before him have also cried their way through their first years. no, our instinct is to rush him to the pediatrician who shoves a blunt instrument into his ear and pretends to look into it. as...

i have recently had a self-realization that i am the holder of several conspiracy theories. i never thought of myself as a conspiracy theorist, but recent events have conspired against me to reveal this previously hidden truth. and so, having come to terms with this shady part of my character, i intend to share a few of these very plausible theories, starting today. conspiracy #1? my kids are determined to keep me from sleeping well. now listen, i realize that they are all of 4 and a half years old, combined , but i am pretty serious about this one. whether they consciously intend this or are only acting out of pure devilish fallen human instinct is up for some debate. what is not debatable, however, is the outcome: sleep deprivation for daddy. we all know how this starts. they pop out of their warm fetal-positioned nine-month nap and start screaming immediately. nobody ever asks the obvious question: why couldn't they get all their screaming out in the womb? i mean, if...