Friday, January 02, 2009

conspiracy #4


further evidence that the world is bound and determined to frustrate me into submission: the candy cane. well, not the candy cane itself so much as its confounding wrapper. that's right, i believe that the candy cane industry is out to get me.
think about it. why a cane, do you think? couldn't it just as easily be a candy stick? i mean, you could fancy up the name a bit: a candy log? a candy finger? a candy stem? a candy baton? candy barber poles? even a candy club would be better because it would be straight. that little shepherd's crook curve is the bane of my christmas snacking existence. it is the weapon of mass frustration used indiscriminately by the candy cane industry who, in my humble opinion, is made up by the dregs of society. these are people and corporations who continue to trick the world into buying curved candy when straight candy would do just fine. why is the curve such a problem, you ask? it's simple: the wrapper.
have you ever removed a candy cane from its wrapper? have you ever really tried this? if so, then you realize with me that it is an exercise in futility. there is only one sure way to avoid eating a mouthful of carcinagenic plastic: break the candy hook into tiny bits and pieces.
memo to the makers of candy canes: some of us like eating our twisted confectionary treats in one solid unbroken unmolested piece. please stop selling us candy that we must break in order to eat. this is not acceptable. and i don't want to hear you complain, either. don't go asking the government for some bailout becuase you can't afford to make straight candy canes in these distressing economic times. its got to be cheaper to make straight walking sticks than curved shepherd's crooks. oh, and one more thing: i'm watching you. i've had a feeling for a long time that you've got hidden cameras installed on your candy canes, and that all of you are back in your headquarters laughing hysterically while i try with futility to remove the insanely tight plastic wrapping without breaking the unreasonably brittle cane. i mean it, o crooked candy makers, i have written my better business bureau and they have assured me that they are monitoring the situation closely. so be careful. put a little slack in that wrapper, so that species with opposing thumbs can remove the wrapper without breaking the striped symbol of peace and peppermint. this is my last warning.

7 comments:

Rebecca said...

Too funny.

As a former avid watcher of the show Little House on the Prarie I can remember the Ingalls girls getting peppermint candy in the shape of, dare I mention it, straight sticks for Christmas or when Pa went to town.

So, does this mean the candy cane used to be straight and was only post-covered wagon frontier days made crooked by man's neverending quest to do things "different" and make things "better?"

Hmmmnn...

Max02 said...

I like candy canes.

Yes, the wrappers are hard to get off without breaking the candy or painstakingly shimmying and/or peeling the wrapper around the hook of the cane.

I find that if I buy the mini candy canes, they are a) easier to open and b) small enough to fit into my mouth whole.

cathyq said...

What about the big "Bob's" that are straight and strong and oh so large? Now "that's a candy cane." Stop messing around with those crooked baby canes and try a real peppermint delight. You can also use it as a peppermint weapon if you need to. Just a thought.

Jennifer said...

You know what? I saw a piece on a tv program that showed how candy canes are made, and it was truly fascinating...and illuminating. They bend the cane after they've already wrapped it (which was probably obvious to everyone but me) - and the high temperatures and the post-wrap bend are what make that wrapper so hard to remove. I say, why bother to bend it?

greg. said...

exactly! did the show you watched talk about how the whole candy cane industry is inhumane and cruel and part of some mastermind plot to destroy humanity. because, i'm telling you, its true. why else would they bend the canes? STOP BENDING THE CANES!

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Please review our website at your earliest convenience. We need your help!

We are the REAL solution oriented team and have more solutions then any person or organization out there. If any

organization has more solutions to the problems plaguing our world than us, we will join that organization.

If not, then join us.

Sincerely,

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Vice President

Citizens Committee for Restructured Government (CCRG)

www.ccrg.info