further evidence that the world is bound and determined to frustrate me into submission: the candy cane. well, not the candy cane itself so much as its confounding wrapper. that's right, i believe that the candy cane industry is out to get me.
think about it. why a cane, do you think? couldn't it just as easily be a candy stick? i mean, you could fancy up the name a bit: a candy log? a candy finger? a candy stem? a candy baton? candy barber poles? even a candy club would be better because it would be straight. that little shepherd's crook curve is the bane of my christmas snacking existence. it is the weapon of mass frustration used indiscriminately by the candy cane industry who, in my humble opinion, is made up by the dregs of society. these are people and corporations who continue to trick the world into buying curved candy when straight candy would do just fine. why is the curve such a problem, you ask? it's simple: the wrapper.
have you ever removed a candy cane from its wrapper? have you ever really tried this? if so, then you realize with me that it is an exercise in futility. there is only one sure way to avoid eating a mouthful of carcinagenic plastic: break the candy hook into tiny bits and pieces.
memo to the makers of candy canes: some of us like eating our twisted confectionary treats in one solid unbroken unmolested piece. please stop selling us candy that we must break in order to eat. this is not acceptable. and i don't want to hear you complain, either. don't go asking the government for some bailout becuase you can't afford to make straight candy canes in these distressing economic times. its got to be cheaper to make straight walking sticks than curved shepherd's crooks. oh, and one more thing: i'm watching you. i've had a feeling for a long time that you've got hidden cameras installed on your candy canes, and that all of you are back in your headquarters laughing hysterically while i try with futility to remove the insanely tight plastic wrapping without breaking the unreasonably brittle cane. i mean it, o crooked candy makers, i have written my better business bureau and they have assured me that they are monitoring the situation closely. so be careful. put a little slack in that wrapper, so that species with opposing thumbs can remove the wrapper without breaking the striped symbol of peace and peppermint. this is my last warning.