Skip to main content

conspiracy #4


further evidence that the world is bound and determined to frustrate me into submission: the candy cane. well, not the candy cane itself so much as its confounding wrapper. that's right, i believe that the candy cane industry is out to get me.
think about it. why a cane, do you think? couldn't it just as easily be a candy stick? i mean, you could fancy up the name a bit: a candy log? a candy finger? a candy stem? a candy baton? candy barber poles? even a candy club would be better because it would be straight. that little shepherd's crook curve is the bane of my christmas snacking existence. it is the weapon of mass frustration used indiscriminately by the candy cane industry who, in my humble opinion, is made up by the dregs of society. these are people and corporations who continue to trick the world into buying curved candy when straight candy would do just fine. why is the curve such a problem, you ask? it's simple: the wrapper.
have you ever removed a candy cane from its wrapper? have you ever really tried this? if so, then you realize with me that it is an exercise in futility. there is only one sure way to avoid eating a mouthful of carcinagenic plastic: break the candy hook into tiny bits and pieces.
memo to the makers of candy canes: some of us like eating our twisted confectionary treats in one solid unbroken unmolested piece. please stop selling us candy that we must break in order to eat. this is not acceptable. and i don't want to hear you complain, either. don't go asking the government for some bailout becuase you can't afford to make straight candy canes in these distressing economic times. its got to be cheaper to make straight walking sticks than curved shepherd's crooks. oh, and one more thing: i'm watching you. i've had a feeling for a long time that you've got hidden cameras installed on your candy canes, and that all of you are back in your headquarters laughing hysterically while i try with futility to remove the insanely tight plastic wrapping without breaking the unreasonably brittle cane. i mean it, o crooked candy makers, i have written my better business bureau and they have assured me that they are monitoring the situation closely. so be careful. put a little slack in that wrapper, so that species with opposing thumbs can remove the wrapper without breaking the striped symbol of peace and peppermint. this is my last warning.

Comments

Happy said…
Too funny.

As a former avid watcher of the show Little House on the Prarie I can remember the Ingalls girls getting peppermint candy in the shape of, dare I mention it, straight sticks for Christmas or when Pa went to town.

So, does this mean the candy cane used to be straight and was only post-covered wagon frontier days made crooked by man's neverending quest to do things "different" and make things "better?"

Hmmmnn...
Max02 said…
I like candy canes.

Yes, the wrappers are hard to get off without breaking the candy or painstakingly shimmying and/or peeling the wrapper around the hook of the cane.

I find that if I buy the mini candy canes, they are a) easier to open and b) small enough to fit into my mouth whole.
cathyq said…
What about the big "Bob's" that are straight and strong and oh so large? Now "that's a candy cane." Stop messing around with those crooked baby canes and try a real peppermint delight. You can also use it as a peppermint weapon if you need to. Just a thought.
Anonymous said…
You know what? I saw a piece on a tv program that showed how candy canes are made, and it was truly fascinating...and illuminating. They bend the cane after they've already wrapped it (which was probably obvious to everyone but me) - and the high temperatures and the post-wrap bend are what make that wrapper so hard to remove. I say, why bother to bend it?
greg milinovich said…
exactly! did the show you watched talk about how the whole candy cane industry is inhumane and cruel and part of some mastermind plot to destroy humanity. because, i'm telling you, its true. why else would they bend the canes? STOP BENDING THE CANES!
Anonymous said…
Really great blog!

Please review our website at your earliest convenience. We need your help!

We are the REAL solution oriented team and have more solutions then any person or organization out there. If any

organization has more solutions to the problems plaguing our world than us, we will join that organization.

If not, then join us.

Sincerely,

Adam Vohrer
Vice President

Citizens Committee for Restructured Government (CCRG)

www.ccrg.info
Anonymous said…
Really great blog!

Please review our website at your earliest convenience. We need your help!

We are the REAL solution oriented team and have more solutions then any person or organization out there. If any

organization has more solutions to the problems plaguing our world than us, we will join that organization.

If not, then join us.

Sincerely,

Adam Vohrer
Vice President

Citizens Committee for Restructured Government (CCRG)

www.ccrg.info

Popular posts from this blog

i will give you a new name

in our church, we are continuing with a series called "letters from Jesus," in which we are looking at the seven letters in the beginning of revelation addressed to seven churches in asia.  we are imagining what it would be like if we were to receive a hand-written letter from Jesus to our church.  what would it say?  how would we be encouraged?  how would we be challenged?  we've looked at three of the letters now.  this week we looked at the letter to the church in pergamum.  the letter to them includes some harsh criticism of some of their behavior, but it also says that Christ understands how difficult their situation is.  and in case they feel like they are stuck in their sinfulness, Jesus says something amazing to them:  i will give you a new name.  the world gives us so many names, doesn't it?  our parents, of course, give us our birth names.  but the naming doesn't stop there.  it continues right on through elementary school, high school, and into t

Milinovich Family Christmas, 2019

merry Christmas, yinz guys.  we've been marking our advent journeys with an annual video now for the last twelve years!  for this latest installment, we used the Tractors' version of "Run, Run Rudolph," as a metaphor for all of our running around, and i hope it shows that we've had a real blast this year, preparing for Christmas.  you'll see scenes from getting our tree, making cookies, concerts, impromptu dance sessions, making snowflakes, and much more.  enjoy. 

bad haircuts (for a laugh)

everybody needs to laugh.  one good way i have found to make that happen is to do a simple google image search for 'bad haircut.'  when you do so, some of the following gems show up.  thankfully, my 9th grade school picture does NOT show up.  otherwise, it would certianly make this list!  please laugh freely and without inhibition.  thank you and have a nice day.