the perils of hanging christmas lights

continuing the theme of christmas lights, today's post deals with the unseen dangers of making your home twinkle for the holidays.

1. electricution. all i'm saying is that anytime electricity is involved, particularly in the great outdoors where moisture and wetness prevail, you can end up blowing more than a fuse. shocking.

2. abrasion. one must use extreme caution when hanging lights on bushes, particularly holly bushes. while this is wildly festive, it is also a severe threat to the epidermis. i've got a 3 inch long scrape up my arm to prove it.

3. contusion. if hanging lights on the roof or other area of such great height, gravity is always a potential foe. beware of becoming entangled in incredibly complex knots of cable and lights, losing not only your wits but also your footing, and tumbling toboggan over boot. you may end up as only a christmas-light outline in the snow.

4. minimalization of core temperature. it is dang cold out there.

5. frustration. by far the most serious danger, there are a variety of ways to be defeated by stubborn strands of lights. usually this is the result of strands of lights that are tangled (see number 3 above), or will only half-light. what do you do in this situation? try replacing each bulb, one by one, with fingers that are practically numb from the cold (see number 4 above)? or do you see if perhaps you've blown a fuse? if you choose the latter, prepare for working with near-microscopic sized fuses that are, for all intents and purposes, impossible to change. this may lead to a burning kind of frustration. if combined with any of the above scenarios, this is potentially threatening to your sanity, and certainly to your Christmas cheer.

i used to think that these were the basic dangers of hanging lights. but i learned this year about another one.

6. lead poisoning. nice. not only do you have to sacrifice most of your christmas joy, you also have to sacrifice your children (literally). and open yourself to cancer. i mean, we wonder why we're all walking around with golf-ball sized tumors. how is this legal? i'm being absolutely serious here. in 2007, with all we know about lead and what it has done to people (ever heard of unleaded gasoline? there's a really good reason they took the lead out), why is it allowed to be in christmas lights of all things? and why is it that only the state of California knows anything about this? i'm feeling dizzy and light-headed. i'm not sure if it is the lead coursing through my veins or the bubbling annoyance i am feeling with a society that thinks this is ok.

if i've made you lose a little holiday spirit today, click here. you'll enjoy it.

greg.