happiness is dry underwear

we started potty training jack on thursday. we followed a program called POTTY TRAIN IN ONE DAY, which, by the way, i think is kind of crazy. i mean, if someone were to offer you a book called, "ACHIEVE WORLD PEACE IN ONE DAY" i don't think you would take it seriously. and yet here we are, trying to accomplish an equally daunting task in one 24-hour period.

it is intense. the day is shrouded in a lie because as soon as your happily diapered child wakes up you tell him that it is a big party. we had balloons and streamers and noisemakers and silly string - all the trappings of a legitimate party. but it is most certainly not a party. it is a hellishly exhausting day.

as soon as jack got out of bed, we gave him a present: an anatomically correct doll that wets himself. jack named him quincy. several times quincy successfully peed in the potty and even had an accident or two in his "big boy underwear." he also dropped a deuce that looked and smelled suspiciously like a tootsie roll. this was all very exciting for jack, who had no idea that plastic dolls could poop and pee. he took a cue from his new freakish friend and pinched off his own (amazingly large) loaf in the potty. this was, of course, a tease, because all of the bowel movements he's had since then have ended up in a pair of superman big boy underwear.

anyway, jack stayed in his diaper all morning while quincy peed all over the place. we read at least a hundred books about peeing on the potty (who knew this was such a popular topic in literature?), and watched several videos on the subject as well. in case you were wondering, elmo can successfully wee wee in the potty. i know i'm relieved.

after lunch jack opened up another present and this time it was the aforementioned superman underwear which we immediately put on. we had a kind of sorrowful ceremony in which jack threw his diapers in the garbage (we immediately fished them out when he wasn't looking and put them in cade's closet for a later date). this diaper funeral wasn't really that emotional for jack, but i had to hold back the sobs because i knew that i was saying goodbye to a carefree life of letting my son poop and pee his pants anytime he wants to. from now on i will have to miss every significant moment of every steelers and yankee game to help my son relieve himself, or to clean up some mess that decidedly does not smell like a tootsie roll. sigh.

the rest of the day was spent on waterproof surfaces, rereading the books, watching more videos, and running to the potty every 15 minutes to practice, which was inevitably followed by silly string, noisemakers, and other generally forced forms of merriment.

all in all, it was a successful day. but exhausting. other than the poop accidents we've had since thursday, its been pretty remarkable how well he's done. i wouldn't exactly call the program POTTY TRAIN YOUR CHILD IN ONE DAY, but i would call it something like BEGIN POTTY TRAINING YOUR CHILD IN ONE RIDICULOUSLY LONG AND EXHAUSTING DAY WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY SAYING GOODBYE TO YOUR FREE TIME AND COMING TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT YOU WILL HAVE YOUR HANDS IN YOUR CHILDS URINE AND/OR FECES FOR WHAT WILL FEEL LIKE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE: ITS A PARTY!

in other news, cade is 4 months old and had a checkup at the doctor yesterday. he ways something like 18 pounds 9 ounces, or, in medical speak, incredibly huge. he is the 97th percentile for weight. i just ordered a new book from amazon: HOW TO GET YOUR OVERWEIGHT CHILD TO GO ON A DIET AND LOSE 16 OUNCES IN ONE DAY.

greg.