holiday eating tips

i don't remember where this came from, but i found it my holiday file. i don't totally agree with this life-philosophy. i just mostly do. my comments are in red.

holiday eating tips

1. avoid carrot sticks. anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the christmas spirit. in fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. go next door, where they're serving rum balls. (mmm....i love rum balls.)

2. drink as much eggnog as you can. and quickly. like fine single-malt scotch, its rare. in fact, its even rarer than single-malt scotch. you can't find it any other time of the year but now. so drink up! who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? it's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. its a treat. enjoy it. have one for me. have two. its later than you think. its christmas! (i've never had eggnog. it just sounds gross to me. if you rearrange the letters you can spell goggen, which sounds like dragon-urine or something. yuck.)

3. if something comes with gravy, use it. that's the whole point of gravy. gravy does not stand alone. pour it on. make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. fill it with gravy. eat the volcano. repeat. (i have no problem following this tip. i do it every year. i love mashed volcanoes. hey, what is the plural of volcano? where is dan quayle when you need him?)

4. as for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. if it's skim, pass. why bother? it's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. the whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. lots of it. hello? (i dont' know if anyone can relate to this or not, but i actually have a problem eating other people's food sometimes. i prefer food at my house. it's an ocd thing, i guess. my philosophy would be to go ahead and have the snack before you go to the party, just in case. then, if the food is good, go to town, baby.)

6. under no circumstances should you exercise between now and new year's. you can do that in january when you have nothing else to do. this is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. (um, did someone say exercise? never heard of it....)

7. if you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted christmas cookies in the shape and size of santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. they're like a beautiful pair of shoes: if you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. same for pies. apple. pumpkin. mincemeat. have a slice of each. or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. always have three. when else do you get to have more than one dessert? labor day? (man i love pie. i even ate mincemeat the other day and it was good. i just wish it were called something else. mincemeat? could there be a more disgusting sounding name?)

9. did someone mention fruitcake? granted, its loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. i mean, have some standards.

10. one final tip: if you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. reread tips; start over, but hurry. january is just around the corner. (like i said, i don't fully endorse this life-philosophy. but i do enjoy food! bon appetit!)