Tuesday, March 25, 2014

happy birthday, tim white


hello there, tim white.  on this day in 1954, you were born in cumberland, rhode island.  i assume that it was sometime later that you got involved in the exciting and entertaining world of professional wrestling as a referee, although i'm certain that if it would have helped ratings to have two babies wrestling a "death match" in a pack-n-play, vince mcmahon would have done it in a heartbeat.  you could have refereed it.  but i digress.

at some point you became a referee in the wwf/wwe, which i assume means that you helped crush fake blood capsules and did everything you could to make the action look as fake as possible.  on the other hand, you claim to have undergone 9 different surgeries for injuries sustained while reffing in your 16-year career, including the injury that ended your career: the final three count in the "hell in a cell" match between chris jericho and christian in 2004.  you must have really pounded the ground emphatically.  i can relate.  i once bruised the bottom of my foot while stomping on an termite.  also, i sometimes hurt my neck when i'm sleeping.

in any case, it is not your refereeing that has me so curious; it is the fact that in the 1980's you also served as an assistant to andre the giant, who may have been a professional wrestler (i had his thumb wrestler, and along with junkyard dog, he was one of my favorites), but who, in my heart, will always be fezzik, the lovable giant in the princess bride.  if i could talk to you, i would want to know what it was like to be fezzik's assistant.  did he always make rhymes?  did he often offer you a peanut?  did he truly only dog paddle?  did he continue to fight local gangs for charity?  i have so many questions!

but this isn't about mr. the giant.  this is your 60th birthday, tim white, so in honor of your special day, i ceremoniously get down on the floor and pound the ground emphatically three times.  ouch!  my shoulder!

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