Wednesday, August 24, 2011

like the fig in a newton

well, this morning i'd thought i'd just reflect on yesterday's mri experience.  my head didn't itch as furiously as i feared.  but there were a few rebellious pores on my face that thought it would be hilarious to do an irish jig right on my cheek, daring me to twitch my cheek or squirm in the machine. 

as it turns out, that was the least of my problems.

while i was lying inside this sanitized mechanized death trap, wearing headphones, they pumped light classical music into my ears.  this would be nice and calming except that the music coming through was frantic classical music, like schubert on speed.  and, to be honest, the music didn't really matter.  i could have been listening to death metal and i wouldn't really have noticed because you don't get much of a chance to hear it, when the blips and beeps and buzzes of the mri machine start assaulting your ears.  it felt like some acid-induced techno music made by someone with access to a variety of buzzing sounds only.  either that, or i was being tortured by the Hellish Association of Techno Enthusiasts (HATE) for stealing all their beats.  either way, it was torturous.

and hot.

extremely hot.  i now know what it feels like to be broiled.  like a london steak, i was being cooked.  my ill-fitting scrubs were dripping with sweat when i finally emerged, and i had the distinct feeling that the technician was salivating when she looked at me (she also was wearing an napkin in her shirt and was holding a fork and a knife).  i thought it was odd when they started sprinkling salt and pepper on me, and i started running when i saw the bottle of a-1 sauce.

i jest, i jest.  but seriously.  no, i mean it.  seriously:

i was in the mri from about 1:20 to 2:05.  does anyone know what happened on the east coast yesterday at 1:58pm?  oh, yeah, AN EARTHQUAKE!!! 

there aren't many places i can think of that i would rather not be when an earthquake happens than inside an mri machine like the fig in a fig newton.  everyone asked me if i felt it.  are you kidding me?  how was i supposed to know?  i was being cooked and bleeped to death and i'm supposed to feel a few tremors from virginia?  i'm pretty sure the hospital could have fallen in on itself and i would have been lying there trying not to think about my itchy cheek.  when i finally got out and heard about the quake, i was even more terrified than before! 

in review: it wasn't a pleasant experience.  i was crammed, buzzed and cooked all so that they could take some pictures of my insides.  i sure do hope that those pictures turn out and that they can account for "geological intereference" because i don't want to have to do it again. 

1 comment:

julie said...

poor guy! if it makes you feel any better (it won't), I was sitting in a dentist chair with the hygienist poking and scraping at my teeth and gums at the time of the quake! i didn't feel it either, but i'm pretty sure it's because i was too focused on the sharp metal instruments stabbing my sensitive pink gums.

glad it's over with for you. let us know the results.