Wednesday, May 25, 2011

DWTS: both sides now

well, before the season finale of "dancing with the stars" last night (i can't even believe i just started a sentence that way), i wrote two different posts for the blog.  the first was in case hines lost.  the second was in case he won.  i thought i'd share them both here. 

if hines ward loses:
what a stupid show this is.  it is basically a giant popularity contest, but only for people who have at&t (who has at&t?).  so you get millions of people (really, america?  you have nothing better to do?) who know nearly nothing about dancing who vote based on who looks the hottest or sucks the least.  and here's the worst part:  the dances last for about 23 seconds each.  so you get about 5 actual minutes of dancing in each show.  then you add in a few additional minutes of listening to the judges take turns kissing the celebrities' butts, and all that's left is 47 minutes of commercials.  the show should be called:

and the very worst part of it is that for however many years this show has been on, i have successfully avoided watching a single moment of it.  but they had to go and get hines ward - my favorite nfl player in all of history - to participate.  so i was forced each week to watch hines don village people-esque sailor costumes and sleeveless drum major ensembles.  you take this otherwise strong and violent football player, you make him wear glitter and blush and you tell america that he has "twinkle toes," and then i'm supposed to watch this and root for him?  it was difficult, i'm not gonna lie, and i'm glad it's over.  real glad.  now i can go back to hating mondays for other reasons that dreading the hour when i would see what new level hines would sink to on national television (in between what felt like every commercial filmed in the last 3 years).  so, here's raising my glass to this ignoble ending.  my eyes thank you for coming to a close, dancing with the stars, for i will no longer be attempting to gouge them out on a weekly basis.  and hines, go play football.

in case hines wins:
wow.  just wow.  that was amazing.  you take a man who has made a very successful living out of studying football plays and executing them on the field while somewhat violently throwing his body around, and try to teach him how to quickstep, salsa and foxtrot.  and what happens?  hines ward succeeds.  again.  he is just so amazing.  everything he does he does with (pardon the cliche) 110%.  he gave it his all, and he looked good doing it. 

now i'm not a guy who would have usually tuned in to watch such programming, but i have to say i enjoyed every minute of this season.  it was fun to watch hines compete with class, to hear the judges' interesting commentary, and to see a different side of hines, combining his physicality with a new sense of rhythm and order.  it was also really neat to see steelernation support him and rally around this different venue for their fanaticism, making this season of DWTS the most-watched ever.  and why not?  hines was a star, and that smile was made-for-tv.  he dominated the competition from beginning to end, and deserved to win this, just as he deserved the win the mvp of superbowl XL.  he's a champ, and i'm glad i tuned in to see him prove it again. 

well, since hines did win the whole competition, i guess you can say i'm going with the second review.  however, most of what i said in the first one still applies.  in case you couldn't tell, i was torn about this whole thing, and i'm somewhat relieved it's over.  i'm glad he won, don't get me wrong, but i'm glad i don't have to waste one more minute of my life either watching that terrible show or worrying about what sequined costume hines was going to dance in next.  i'm happy he won, and i'm even happier that it's over. 

love ya, hines.  go steelers!


Julie said...

Haha... I loved the "Hines losing" one way better, but I am still glad he won. Seth and I watched the show for about 4 minutes and we couldn't take it and turned it off. I had planned to watch it at 10:58 (was it on for like 8 hours, by the way?) but I forgot! Thanks for filling me in.

Emoly said...

I agree with Julie. Commercials, albeit quieter, seem to be more numerous. Is this what happens when we have a recession or come out of one? Spend more money!! Anyway, glad it's over. When will reality tv go away...?

Megan said...

I'm glad he won and I'm glad it's over! I turned it on at 10:50 to watch the reveal - that's about all i could handle.