Wednesday, April 13, 2011

random: dismembered dolls and discomfort

-so how about that performance by hines ward on DWTS the other night?  huh?  not bad, right?  that is, if you enjoy your favorite football players half nekked on national tv pretending to be a matador.  sheesh.  it just doesn't get any easier.  and then today i read a story about a group of ravens fans who are organizing themselves to try and vote for everyone but hines.  really?  are these people really going to make me vote for this stupid show?  really? 

-maybe they are the ones who planted the messed up hines ward voodoo doll that my sister-in-law "found."  when your sister-in-law tells you excitedly that she found you something for your birthday, you assume that she means that she was at a store (where you buy things) and that she saw something nice that reminder her of you, or that she thought you would really like, and she bought it.  you don't think that she literally found it on the street, covered in soggy cigarette butts and bird droppings.  and even if you do think that, you would have to imagine that the thing she found would be a hundred dollar bill (or at least a 20-spot), or something really nice.  but no, that's not what happened.  instead, after getting your hopes up about she "found" you, she sends you this, in a regular business envelope, with postage due that you have to pay upon receiving it:

that's right.  for my birthday this year i got a badly broken, dismembered hines ward figurine that she literally found on the side of the road.  not to mention that i had to pay real money just to get the thing in the mail.  not the best present i ever recieved, to be sure.  but i think those angry/jealous raven fans had something to do with the dismemberment in the first place.  so i keep this sad little hines as a reminder of all that is inherently evil about baltimore and its legions of louts. 

so dance, hines!  dance!  dance for all that is good in the world!  dance for all that is black and yellow!  dance for the demise of those who would rip the arm of your likeness, or for the embarrassment of those who would give that fractured likeness to their brother-in-law as a birthday present.  i'm looking at you, shay. 

-moving on, i am currently listening to the new sleeping at last ep for april.  Sleeping At Last is a really cool band that is putting out a three song ep for each month of the year.  by the end of the project they will have a 36 song project that encompasses the whole range of the calendar, and let me tell you: it's beautiful.  gorgeous music filled with engaging poetic lyrics.  i love it.  you should check them out. 

-i have gotten up at 5am the last three days to workout, and while that is really early, it still isn't too early to laugh each and every time the opening to the dvd says, "if you experience any discomfort while doing this workout, please stop immediately."  um....really?  isn't that what got me to the point of needing to do a workout in the first place?  look, mr. dvd, i'm already uncomfortable just getting out of bed at this hour, not to mention putting on shoes.  seriously.  i don't need any extra incentive to go back to bed, so please don't talk to me about making sure i'm comfortable.  and don't tell me to consult my physician before working out.  i thought we'd already talked about this.  my physicians all think i'm fat.  they want me to work out.  stop bringing it up and go ahead and get started with the obligatory exercise cliches so i can get all uncomfortable, thank you very much. 

-and now, just for kicks and grins, give me a caption for this:


Emoly said...

okay, first before a caption, would it help if I voted for Hines?

now for a caption:

"Hm, I wonder if I flooded the engine???"

greg. said...

haha! excellent, Em. i was thinking something like:

"i'm gonna go ahead and say you've got a problem with your water pump."

and you can certainly vote for hines, since i can't seem to justify calling to vote for a half-naked bull-fighter dancing in glittery costumes. it just goes against what i believe in. ;)

Greg C. said...

How 'bout this:
"I knew I was due for an oil change!"

(P.S.: Congrats on the workout effort. I try to do the same thing - make it 3/4 times a week - so I'll think of you as I'm rubbing my eyes knowing I'm not alone.)

julie said...

"well, i knew it was going to be a bad day when i picked out this outfit. guess i was right. $*@#"

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure about a caption, but I need to get me one of those shirts... Hotness!

Fatty Demo

Gregory said...

yo fatty d,

you would look stunning in that shirt.

Tom Hepner said...

Yep, I think I flooded it......

Emoly said...

on the workout topic: good for you. Keep at it. Start with small goals (like three times a week) and as that becomes routine, push yourself further. It become habit forming and it really does give you all those good endorphins every one talks about!!!

I'll see what I can do about those votes... ;)

Tom Hepner said...

Or, first day of trout and the canoe had a hole in it so....