Wednesday, July 14, 2010

my second most embarassing story

someone over at facebook asked to hear this story, and while i'm sure that many of you have heard it before, it's still worth sharing, as i could always use a good dose of humility.  enjoy....

about 5 years ago, b.k. (before kids), shannon and i would often head to borders or barnes and noble for a friday evening after dinner.  we had a little routine.  as soon as we walked in we would immediately split up and start looking individually.  in the classic tradition of hunter/gatherers, we would sort through aisles and tables of books, collecting the ones that seemed most interesting or relevant.  this would go on for about 45-60 minutes until we would head back towards the cafe carrying our stack of books.  we would sit down, get some coffee, and look through our books together.  if you bought a book at the barnes and noble in brick, nj, and it had coffee stains on it, that's probably my bad. 

on one particular night, as shannon and i were in the hunting/gathering stage of this process, i was scouring the religion and philosophy section, probably feeling especially full of myself.  i mean after all, only the really cool guys wear glasses and spend their friday nights perusing plato and spinoza.  as i looked up from some diatribe on existential angst, i noticed that shannon was just beyond the philosophy section, sitting with her back to me, in one of the couches that are scattered throughout the store.  surprised by this violation of ritual, i began to approach her with a certain indignation. 

but as i got close enough to see her closely and to look over her shoulder at what she was reading, my mood changed a bit.  i immediately recognized the glossy pages and perfumed aroma of one of those thick woman's magazines, like cosmo.   this seemed curious, as it wasn't shannon's usual material, but my curiosity was replaced by some level of surprise when i saw the name of the article she was reading:  21 NO-FAIL WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN IN BED. 

whoa.  that changed everything.  just a second before i was going to chastise her for breaking with tradition and starting the reading process without me, but now i was going to congratulate her for such an interesting reading choice.  so, with my eyebrows raised a bit in surprise, i placed my warm husbandly hands on her shoulders with a firm familiar grip, and i put my face down by her ear and said to her, with a certain friskiness in my voice, "hey...what are you looking at?"  caught off guard by this, shannon immediately put the magazine down and turned to look at me, revealing that most horrible of possible outcomes to this story and setting into motion the very sudden ending to it: it wasn't shannon. 

nope.  it was a stranger.  and she looked about as terrified as i've ever seen a woman appear.  i immediately backed up with my hands in the air, like she was the fbi or something, and i said, in a stunned voice, "oh, i am so sorry, i thought you were someone else."  she never spoke a word.  just got up quickly and quietly, like a cornered animal, and practically ran out of the store. 

i was left standing there, my heart racing, all the blood in my body called in for a special event in my head, an attempt to set a record for the reddest face of all time. 

and that, that is my second most embarrassing story.  if you want the most embarrassing story, you'll have to pay me substantially large amounts of money. 

hope your day is, well, less embarrassing.


Greg C. said...

hoo boy!

Allen Ewing-Merrill said...

Oh wow. That is one serious embarrassing moment. And you lived to tell about it.

Mary said...

i love it :o)

and I think i know your most embarrassing story. don't i?