consult your physician

i seriously need to get off my duff and get some physical exercise. at least that was what i was thinking yesterday, in a moment of weakness. so i found out that our comcast on demand has some exercise programs that you can try. having heard some good things about it, i thought i'd try bob's biggest loser workout. all i can say about that is that with every step i take today, my legs are calling out unspeakable curses on bob and his 'jumping lunges.' i want to throw dumbells at my tv and overly dramatic words at bob. exercise. blech.

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as i started the workout yesterday, i noticed that it started off with these words: "please consult your doctor before beginning this or any exercise program."

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as i began lunging my way into sore-muscle-hell, i was thinking about how that warning is like the warning on the side of the cigarette package. i know that it is there in case you've got some pre-existing condition that would make exercise dangerous, but it's like it is saying, "caution: exercise may be dangerous for your health," and that made me laugh. so i began to imagine how that conversation with my doctor might go...

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the scene begins with me sitting nervously on the edge of the bed/seat thing in the doctor's office. doctors purposely make you wait in these rooms to raise your blood pressure. you see me sitting there, swinging my legs, trying to keep my posture erect so i don't look quite so fat in the middle. finallly, the doctor enters...

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doc: good morning, greg. how are you doing?

me: (with strained voice from holding in my gut) good. and you?

doc: great. so what brings you here today?

me: well, i was thinking i might start an exercise program, but the program told me that i should consult you before i start.

doc: (while looking in my ears and mouth, listening to my heart, etc.) wow, i'm so glad you did. this could have been very bad. if you had started to exercise you might have actually started losing weight and getting in shape! and we wouldn't want that!

me: yeah, i know. that's what i was thinking. that's why i thought i'd check with you first.

doc: you see, that's the problem with all these "exercise programs" and so on: they just want to try to make you healthier. its ridiculous, really.

me: so, is there something i should be doing instead.

doc: (scribbling some things on my chart) yeah, i think you should just stick with your routine of eating too much and not exercising. that seems to be working pretty well for you. i'll write you a prescription for a super-sized quarter pounder meal at mcdonalds, and you should be right back on track. i'm just really glad you followed the warning on the exercise program and decided to do the right thing. i wish all my patients were as careful. just schedule another appointment in a few months and we'll follow up to make sure you're still staying at your ideal overweight. keep up the good work.

me: thanks.

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but, to be honest, the conversation would probably go more like this:

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me: good morning, doc.

doc: what can i do for you?

me: i was going to exercise but it told me i should consult with you first.

doc: o god, yes. by all means, exercise. in fact, leave my office right this instant and begin exercising. and don't stop until you lose that heart-condition around your midsection. don't waste any more time consulting with me, unless you run here carrying weights. seriously. and it wouldn't hurt you to eat a few less potato chips, too. don't worry about consulting me on that, either, okay? just take half the time you spend eating and use it to exercise, and you should be fine. now stop at the nurses station on the way out and tell them you won't be back here until you've dumped that barrel around your torso.