Friday, May 16, 2008

pet peeve: drawstrings


from time to time i get annoyed. i know it probably doesn't happen to you, but it does happen to me. deal with it.
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and then, from time to time i get ridiculous surveys which i am compelled to answer and send to 10 of my friends or else some 12-year old will die from cancer or God will strike me down or something. inevitably, one of the questions on those surveys is, "what is your biggest pet peeve?" and inevitably, i can never remember those things that annoy me. they annoy me at the time. but then i just forget them (probably a coping mechanism). but no longer. i have decided to record by pet peeves when they occur to me, so that i will be able to refer to them when i most need them: in the middle of a survey which carries life-or-death significance for some third world nation.
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and so i start with this one.
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i tie my shoes almost every day (except when i wear slip-on shoes that don't have laces. those are the best. in all seriousness, how many people just turn their regular shoes into slip-ons by tying them just a little bit more loose than they ought to be, and then just slipping their feet in and out? sheer laziness, people. c'mon!), and therefore, i untie them as well. basically the untying procedure consists of me bending down over my enormous gut and grabbing whatever part of the lace i get lucky enough to reach. then i pull. i would say that this works about 98.73% of the time. there is the tiniest possibility (about .71%) that this will not work due to the lace ending up in a knot (the other .56% is the possibility that you strain your quadricep while working so hard to bend over and reach your shoes, and consequently end up on the ground wriggling like a snake on ecstasy - with shoes still tied).
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what i'm saying is that i have no problem taking my shoes off. i just untie them by pulling. it works every time (well except for that one time with the whole quadricep thing).
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HOWEVER, the same laws of untying apparently do not apply to drawstrings on gym shorts or sweat pants. in fact, the law is exactly equal and opposite. pulling on the string to untie it works approximately 1.5% of the time. so pretty much every time you try and untie a drawstring, it ends up in a maddeningly tight knot which just so happens to be located immediately under your enormous gut (see above), rendering it nearly impossible to untie (without scissors, if you know what i mean).
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so that, my friends, is a pet peeve. and if you ever forget, you can just come back here and look it up. you might need it, if you're filling out an email survey that might just eliminate the national debt.
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peace,
greg.

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