Friday, August 17, 2007

in self-defense

okay people, after reading a few comments to my last post, it has become clear that i need to launch into a lengthy and impassioned defense of my irrational fear.

i took this picture!

so you may have noticed in my little profile to the left that i am afraid of bees. its true, i am. call me crazy, but there is something at least slightly irritating about the presence of an insect that is fully armed to sting the living bijinkers out of you, flying around your head in an imperceptable pattern. now, imagine that same scenario, but multiply it, since insects seem so fond of being found in mass hordes of crawling buzzing potential stingery. does that sound like fun to anyone?

imagine you are out sunning yourself, with your beautifully toned and equally sensitive epidermis exposed to the natural world. now imagine that said insect lands on you. is this enjoyable? or worse, imagine that you have a shirt on - now the dimunitive devil can crawl inside your shirt, where an escape route is less evident and a stomach full of bee-stings is much more a possibility. and it can happen anywhere! just lying there trying to get a tan, leaving all the insects alone. playing ball. painting the house. mowing the lawn. swinging on the swingset. they look for the most casual and innocent moments to attack. and you don't even have to be outside. they dare enter our sanctuaries and buzz around the ceilings, knowing that their very presence in your house will keep you tossing and turning at night, perpetually feeling like their horrible little insect legs are crawling all over you.

the bees mock us.


i am afraid of bees, to be sure. but bees are nothing to me compared to wasps. if bees are the punks of the insect world, then wasps are the psychotic serial killers. bees are annoying and you just hope that they leave you alone. but wasps, wasps are terrorists. they are demons. they are, if you allow me a moment of hyperbole, the embodiment of satan.
i'm not kidding. for many years now i have had a recurring nightmare (and i would say i have it once every 4-6 months) in which i am in a church. now, i have never really been in this church in real life. it is an entirely fictional house of worship. but, i have visited it so many times in the dark sweat of the night, that i could draw you a diagram of its twisting corriders and hidden rooms. its obviously an old episcopal church - more like a castle than anything else. anyway, the nightmare part of this is that i am not alone in the house of God. in fact, i am being pursued by a giant wasp, much like this one...


only without the head of a woman (although a case could be made that women are like wasps - hmm...i'll have to think more about that). in this horrible concoction of my subconscious, i am constantly running from this wasp, ducking around corners and hiding in closets. but i am always panting from running so hard, and i am desperately trying to pant quietly (is that even possible) so the wasp won't hear me and kill me. in my dream i never have any question about the identity of the enormous killer: he is satan.

when i am walking up the ramp to my church office and a wasp darts by, what am i supposed to do? smile with wonder at the incredible diversity of God's creation? i think not.

and speaking of God, God and i WILL have words about this issue when we finally get face to face and God can't avoid my question. i will demand to know the purpose of wasps, other than reminding me that i am human and frail and perfectly able to be brought to paralyzing fear by a small flying insect. they don't make honey. they don't attract visitors to zoos. no one eats them, that i know of (there's nothing to eat but stingers and antennae). they are useless horrible creatures, and God will hear about it.

and so, i rest my case. i could tell you that i've been attacked by bumble bees while casually drinking a mello yellow. i've been attacked by a nest of yellow jackets whose nest i hit while weed-wacking. i've been completely distracted for an entire 10th grade chemistry class by a wasp buzzing around the flourescent lights on the ceiling. i've been forced not to play outside by the presence of those obscenely large and hairy bumble bees. i could tell you all of this and more, but i won't. all you need to know is that i am convinced that satan and his legions are with us every day, building nests, fornicating, and plotting our demise all the while. beware of these demonic forces.

am i to be mocked for my fear? only time will tell, my friends. only time will tell...

greg.

4 comments:

julid said...

Don't worry - God will squash you like a, well you know...

Crafty P said...

oh. my. goodness.

thanks for the chuckle -seriously, I know you hate bees and wasps. now, I REALLY know how much you hate them!

julie said...

relevant podcast recently did a "feedback" time on everyone's irrational fears. you should put the question out there on your blog: what is YOUR irrational fear? it's fun to see the responses. then you won't feel so alone in your suffering. my personal one is probably a tie between fear of heights and fear of spiders.

cathyq said...

What about the time the bee got in your pants on the way to Washington? I think you're right; the insect world is definitely out to get us. I mean God did use them as a plague didn't he? nothing irrational about that at all...