i was looking through some of my old journals this morning, and i came across something i wrote almost exactly 13 years ago, the summer after i graduated high school. it isn't in the middle of another section or anything. it just says this:
when writing, one need not necessarily think about what to write, but rather, one should write what they think, so as to make a window for all readers to look though, to see the writer. no barriers. no boundaries. heartfelt strokes from the tip of a pen. passionate - not necessarily beautiful or insightful - just real. 7-10-94.
and so, taking my own advice, i write this blog 13 years later. sometimes i find myself trying to sound clever or interesting. but, for the most part, my desire is just to write. to explore. to be known and loved. to dialogue.
i am broken. anyone who knows me knows that. i'm pronce to every kind of selfishness. my storyline isn't always bright and straight. there are bends and shadows and sharp edges. there are broken places, broken hearts, broken relationships. my life, though often pretty clean on the outside, is as cloudy and cloaked as anyone's on the inside. it just is. i too often work too hard at trying to pretend that isn't true so i can be super pastor or super man or super dad or super son or super friend or super neighbor or super whatever. but i am not those super people. i am only me, bruised and broken, bloodied and bent on living.
and so i live on. broken, but breathing just the same. softened by grace, i continue to try my hand at loving and being loved. and part of that, for me, is writing - documenting all the steps of this journey: the trips to the doctor, the music, the other-worldly moments of feeling like my body is too small to feel all that i am feeling, the art, the images, the fights, the hopes, the fears, the boring times in between the dramatic ones. all of this is life, isn't it? and so i write about it. it helps me deal with it. it helps me be alive. it helps me be real and honest and vulnerable. it helps me come to terms with my brokenness, and maybe connect with you in your brokenness, too. i don't really want to be beautiful. or clever. or insightful. or impressive. or super. i just really want to be me. i hope that as i continue to discover what that means and share that with you, you find a little bit of what it means to be you.
peace to you.