its hard for me to know what to say today. sometimes, in the midst of a world where terrible things happen, where people do terrible things to one another, where life and death hang in the balance more than we usually recognize, my trivial concerns seem small and inconsequential.
i have been in a bit of a trance since yesterday afternoon when i learned of what happened at virginia tech. i've been thinking about this thing quite a bit. i mourn the loss of these lives. but it has also made me think about war. about the lives that are lost everyday that we don't mourn. i mean, i think about how i am greeted by headlines almost everyday on my yahoo news page about an american soldier dead or an iraqi dead or a palestinian dead and so on and so on. and these words almost never penetrate the shell of my psyche. i have blocked them out. they bounce off of me. death has no sting because i ignore it. but when i am faced with it in a less avoidable way, it hurts.
but this makes me wonder why i am so callused about death. why don't i mourn the losses that war brings? why do we think americans are more precious than others?
i am sad for the students and families of those who were murdered yesterday. i am covered in a kind of funk about it. but i am also sad for the hundreds and thousands who are dying every day outside the scope of our recognition, and, worse, outside of the scope of our concern.
i am an easter person - i believe that life has ultimate victory over death. i follow Christ, who defeated death by love, and so i choose love also. i choose life. but in the midst of a world where death seems to rule the day, it is difficult sometimes. i tend to shut down and put up walls that help me not to deal with it. but i don't want to be the kind of Christian that says, "i choose life and i believe in the resurrection, so i don't need to feel the sting of death." that's just not real, as far as i am concerned. right now death freaking stings. it burns. it hurts like hell. but even in the midst of the pain, i believe.
i believe in life.
i believe in hope.
i believe in a Kingdom where there is no more weaping.
lord, help my unbelief (again).